Friday, February 27, 2009

Remember when you were a kid and your teacher said there are no stupid questions? Well he was an idiotic lying sack of shit.


Everyday we are forced to face stupid people who ask us stupid questions. And we exercise the right to answer these questions as we choose. But unfortunately, we can't answer all the stupid questions we are forced to listen to every day, the questions asked... on the radio. Below are some of the dumbest questions forced on us daily through the joy of song.

"Diva" - Beyonce asks: This is a stick, up, stick up, I need them bags, huh, that money. Stick up, stick up, you see them ask, where that money?
Beyonce, we know where all that money is. With styler/designer Tina Knowles, manager Matthew Knowles, singer actress Sonlange Knowles, and... are you ready for this jelly? ... go take a look in the mirror.

"Paper Planes" M.I.A. asks: So, uh, no funny business, are you ready? Some, some, some I, some I murder. Some I , some I let go. Some, some, some I , some I murder. Some I, some I let go.
Considering the fact that she has just admitted she is capable of murder, I'm not sticking around to find out the answer to that question. I don't want to be one of some some some that she murders, I want to be one of some some some she lets go.

"You Found Me" The Fray asks: Where were you when everything was falling apart? All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang. Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded. Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Why'd you have to wait to find me, to find me? Where were you?
Well, I know where I wasn't, and that's watching you watching me from behind the bushes outside of my house.

"My Humps" - The Black Eyed Peas asks: What you gon' do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk?
You bastards! I'm calling Jenny Craig...! [*runs away sobbing profusely*]

"Where Was I?" - David Hasselhoff asks: Baby I'm confused. Well, wasn't that you in my bed? When love finally said good-bye, where was I?
I could be wrong here, but I think you were eating pizza off the floor.

"Get On The Bus" - Destiny's Child (featuring Timbaland) asks: Why you sleepin' with ya eyes closed?
I can only answer that one with another question: What the fuck is wrong wit choo?? [*my index finger is up in yo face, and my head is sashaying from shoulder to shoulder*]

Um... these boots were made for ... walking??


Someone fashioned these slippers for the 2007 Burning Man, an annual one week gathering in Nevada's Black Rock Desert where tens of thousands of participants gather to express themselves and art. Oh, and they consume a lot of mind altering substances. And walk around without any clothes on.

Pictured below: other interesting things captured on film that walked around at Burning Man

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Toronto artist wants to give your children nightmares


Jessica Fortner is an illustrator who creates 3D scenes using a variety of materials and then photographs them to create final illustrations. The illustration above is called Furry Friend. Very ironic since the furry friend is NOT the little brown bear; the furry friend is the white dude covered in blood who appears to have just finished killing the little brown bear (and all of his little friends).

For a complete viewing of sadistic artist Jessica Fortner's work, and for an extreme close up of furry friends shaven ass, go to: http://www.jessicafortner.com/blog/

I have this odd feeling that you can probably find this art work strolling down Queen Street, and I wouldn't be surprised to see it at Nuit Blanche. You know what I'm talkin' about.

Pictured below: because my children aren't going to grow up to be woosy's, I'm stocking up for the nursery now.

Boy saves money on flashlights


A little boy in China named Nong Youhui will never have to hide underneath his blanket with a flashlight and comic book late at night. That's because this amazing little fellow has the ability to see in pitch-blackness with eyes that glow in the dark.

Doctors have studied Nong Youhui’s amazing eyesight since his dad took him to hospital in Dahua, southern China, concerned over his bright blue eyes. Dad Ling said: "They told me he would grow out of it and that his eyes would stop glowing and turn black like most Chinese people but they never did."

Medical tests conducted in complete darkness show Youhui can read perfectly without any light and sees as clearly as most people do during the day. Experts believe he was born with a rare condition called leukodermia which has left his eyes with less protective pigment and more sensitive to light.


Very interesting indeed. I wonder how that conversation would play out at night when his parents come to check on him in bed.

Mommy Youhui: "Nong! Yooooo go to sweep now! Yoooo know betta than to stay up so wate! Close your eyes, Nong. Nong! Close your eyes noooow!"
Nong: "Yoooo peeeepa! Always telling me what to dooooo. When I grow up, I be supa-hero! Hmph!"

Pictured below: my medical opinion on why this little boy can see in the dark

Woman bored with life, decides to become mermaid


New Zealand born Nadya Vessey lost both her legs below the knee when she suffered from a medical condition as a child. Due to developmental problems Vessey had both legs amputated, the first at age seven, the second at age sixteen. Vessey began swimming shortly after the first amputation and has been living with lower prosthetic legs since her childhood.

Several years ago while Vessey was removing her legs to go for a swim a four-year-old boy approached her and started to ask questions. Instead of trying to explain the amputations, Vessey asked the little boy if he knew about The Little Mermaid. "He said he did, so I told him: 'Well I'm a mermaid.' "

Thanks to the creative minds of Weta Workshop, those zany folks who brought you Lord of The Rings and King Kong, Vessey will soon have a new prosthetic that mimics a mermaids tail.

It just goes to show that in this day and age anything is possible. With enough money and imagination, and by imagination I mean excessive amounts of blow, dreams really can come true. I've always wondered what it would be like to date a centaur...

Pictured below: not the dream boat I had in mind, but I guess he'll do...

The end is near


Some guy named Julian Beever decided he was going to try to fool us all into thinking the end of the world was here.

Check out more really cool 3D art by Beever here.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Because nothing says I'm sorry for smashing in your face quite like an iPod


Apparently Chris Brown lavished Rihanna with some major bling on her 21st birthday in an attempt to win her back. It is rumored that he sent her a diamond necklace, diamond bracelet, and an iPod Touch.

Rihanna can use that last gift to conveniently check out pictures of her battered face on-line. Pure awesomeness.

Guy locks himself up for one year, throws away key


Way back in 1978 - 79, a Taiwanese-born performance artist named Tehching Hsieh locked himself up and lived in almost solitary confinement for an entire year, all in the name of art. And then he did it four more times.

The Museum of Modern Art has dedicated a small exhibition to document year one of the "Cage Piece" performed by Hsieh.

Pictured below: Tehching Hsieh on days 1 and 365. I think I know who will be showcased as our modern day performance artist!

It seemed like a good idea at the time


I was saddened to find these three ladies on the Worst Dressed Oscar lists. Normally style icons, all three were major flops on the this years red carpet.

Jessica Biel ~ her outfit is reminiscent of the kind of napkin folding you see at really classy places like a conference center at the Holiday Inn. Hey Jessie, I made you some special shoes for your special day!

Beyonce Knowles ~ usually Beyonce knows how to dress, but it looks as though someone attacked a mermaid with some gold-leafing. I give it the royal flush.

Sarah Jessica Parker ~ trying too hard to look like a princess bride, I found a smaller version of her perched on the back of my grannies toilet. I wonder how many rolls of toilet paper SJP can fit underneath her dress...

Rihanna finally opens her mouth...


...to tell us that she has nothing to say.

It has been reported that a spokesperson for the singer has commented, "At the request of the authorities, Rihanna is not commenting about the incident involving Chris Brown. She wants to assure her fans that she remains strong, is doing well, and deeply appreciates the outpouring of support she has received during this difficult time."

Bahumbug. OK, well there could be a number of reasons for this including:
1. She respects her privacy (bravo, don't stoop to media whore standards)
2. Maybe comments could impede or influence the on-going investigation
3. Or maybe she's just embarrassed and humiliated. I mean, practically of all North America has seen or at least heard that she got her face bashed in by her boyfriend.

I absolutely refuse to believe that:
4. She intends to stay with the jerk.

I. Won't. Believe. It.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Homer Simpson made this look so easy


This is what a control room in a nuclear power plant actually looks like. Pretty amazing huh? I wonder what this shiny red button does...?

Ever wondered how happy North Korean leader Kim Jong-il could possibly be while visiting a bubble gum factory? Well, he's sure no Willy Wonka in a chocolate factory, but to see some amazing and unusual pictures of people at work from around the world, visit:
http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2009/02/at_work.html

Remember when you were little and mom smacked you upside the head for playing with your food?


Well, times sure have changed. Today's kids no longer need to rely on their imagination as a spoon full of crap twists and winds through the air while mommy chants "Open up, here comes the choo-choo train. Choo-choo!!"

This dinner set comes complete with a fork-lift fork, a front loader spoon, and a bulldozer pusher, so even if your kids still think your cooking sucks, at least they can have fun pushing it around on the plate. Weeeeeee....

This little piggy went to the market....


...and this little piggy stayed home and squealed like a motherfu----!!

Because Japan is kinky and weird and thinks saving money is sexy, the creators of Rinkya have designed the humping piggy bank. Drop your coins inside and watch these little cuties go at it.

Pictured below: other cute things that get excited ~ humping dog USB stick; robot humping a dryer; and, seriously?? Yes, seriously, a humping sex toy for your dog.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Because nothing says "I [heart] U NOT" like a pregnancy test


Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia's relationship was great when they were banging like super hero's, but apparently things fell apart after a brief pregnancy scare. Although the test results proved negative, rumor has it that it caused the couple's break up.

See, I know what's really going on here. Hayden and Milo were so caught up in their Heroes characters that they thought they were having super human sex and would thereby create a superhuman baby. But then reality set in and the couple realized that little 'Halo Jr.' would not possess the ability to rapidly regenerate cells or be capable of biological manipulation. In fact, Milo's sperm proved to be sub-human and incapable of completing it's only task, a simple navigation route to the womb.

Pictured below: my other theory on why the test results were negative. Pew, pew, pew!

Wow! My new favorite show...


If you haven't seen it already, check out RuPaul's Drag Race, it's pure awesomeness. The best part is RuPaul's running commentary ("How much wood could a woodchuck chuck" and "He's a dirty car and you need to wash him alllllllll ova!") and the judges are pretty hilarious too. Personally my favorite queen is Nina Flowers, so move over MTV 'cuz who needs boring old fake bisexual twins looking for love when there's a new breed of sizzlin' bitches in town?!

Pictured below: MTV's fake bisexual line-up ~ A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila; the icky, I mean Ikki Twins in a Double Shot At Love; and Brody Jenner in Bromance. Ok, that last one is still under debate.

Forget Disney World, kids love Vegas!


Just shortly before his big Oscar weekend Brad Pitt took two of his three sons, Maddox and Pax, for a quick Vegas vacay. The trio arrived Wed Feb 18th, and left the following morning. So what did they do for one evening in the city of sin? Brad took the boys to see Kà by Cirque du Soleil at the MGM Grand Hotel & Casino and three Nintendo Wiis were delivered to their deluxe suite at the Hard Rock Hotel, where the boys also ordered room service.

I'm not convinced though that this trip was just all fun and Nintendo games. Brad was seen dining with only one child the morning of his departure which leads me to believe the other was lost in a gambling match the evening prior.

Pictured above: Daddy breaks the news to little Pax that Maddox isn't coming home anymore and Daddy never wanted six children anyways. If little Pax squeals to mommy about the game they played, he'll be headed back to Cambodia because China isn't the only country without child labor laws. Now hush little baby, don't say a word...

Pictured below: the closest encounter to Disney that the boys could have had in Vegas - - drag queen Mickey.

TMZ releases leaked photo of Rihanna's battered face

If you are curious...

http://www.tmz.com/2009/02/19/rihanna-photo-face-beating/

Sorry the picture is copyrighted and protected or you would have seen it here. It's so sad that her privacy was invaded and the pic was publicized, but as you can see I was also willing to post it. Shame. On. Me.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Pamela Anderson is really RuPaul covered in glitter.


Tell me you don't see the resemblance! Tell me!!

It's ALIVE!


Some woman who really likes nature wants us to relish in a little piece of it everywhere we go. Paula Heyes is the creator of the living necklace, which is (true to it's name) a necklace strand adorned with living plants.

Pictured below: As much as we may love nature, we know there is only one specific group of people who will find this charming portable greenhouse appealing.

Kate Winslet is going to stop doing this... and this ... and this...


Kate Winslet has recently announced that she will no longer be "that actress who always gets her kit off". Kate's recent role in The Reader will be the grand finale that ends her nudism. Forever. Or whatever 'forever' is in Hollywood.

Kate has also been quoted as saying, "I can't keep getting away with it".

Pictured below: Whatever do you mean Kate? Are you implying that this is NOT you 'au naturel'? In comparison to the photo's above, yes you sure do seem to have gotten away with it - - those poor bastards over in the photo-shop department sure did have their work cut out for them.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Chris Brown plays Jesus card, hopes to get out of jail free


After being released on $50,000 bail and one week after allegedly assaulting girlfriend Rihanna, like so many other celebrities who find themselves in a conundrum, Chris Brown has pretended to find God.

"Words cannot begin to express how sorry and saddened I am over what transpired. I am seeking the counselling of my pastor, my mother and other loved ones and I am committed, with God's help, to emerging a better person," Brown said in a statement issued through publicist Michael Sitrick.

"Much of what has been speculated or reported on blogs and-or reported in the media is wrong," he added. But he said he couldn't discuss that in detail until his case is resolved.


I could be wrong here, but this really doesn't sound like an apology. If anything, it is made to sound as though the situation has been blown out of proportion, a trite misunderstanding if you will. Well, as long as Chris and God are on the same page, no need for him to mention or concern himself with Rihanna.

It would seem that one week ago when Chris was super pissed at his girlfriend he asked himself, "What would Jesus do?"

Pictured below: Jesus answered


Saturday, February 14, 2009

Roses are red, Violets are purple... see, PURPLE!


Happy Valentines Day

From,
your stupid blogger

Friday, February 13, 2009

Too legit, to legit to quit


McKay Events Center in Orem, Utah is holding a one-night-only performance with 1990's rap icons MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice called Hammer Pants and Ice. Didn't see that title coming, did you?

And what can you expect for the low, low price of admission ($29.50 for general and $35.50 for reserved)?

You can expect that MC Hammer will be bringing 24 dancers and a full choir; and, Vanilla Ice is bringing nothing other than himself. Please Hammer, don't hurt 'em.

The perfect gift for the little cuties in your life....


Because some guy must really [heart] organs and [broken heart] children, this adorable collection of organ donor dolls can now be yours. Available at www.foox-u.com, they are individually priced at $15.99 and limited to one case (that's 24 donors if you're counting) per customer.

I'm not sure who would really be interested in purchasing these dolls other than maybe a transplant coordinator or serial killer, but I definitely do not recommend buying one for dear little Timmy who is anxiously awaiting an organ transplant.

Pictured below: Some of my favorites from the collection ~ brains, blood cell, and plasma. As wonderful as these are, my HG Sportfreaks collection from 1986 will always hold a special place in my heart. Crutch Clutcher, Trash Compactor, and Battery Acid, I shed a single nostalgic tear for you...


Thursday, February 12, 2009

Will these shoes make me run faster?


This super hot shoe inspired by the Lamborghini Gallardo Superleggera was created by some guy named Tim Copper who undoubtedly loves fast cars and fast women.

Pictured below: Some dude name Luca Stappers created a similar model for the Opel Agila, a city car produced in Germany by a guy namel Opel (go figure). Strangely enough this car and shoe combo doesn't conjure up images of smoke engulfed tires spinning madly around me as I become intoxicated by the smell of burning rubber and gasoline while leaving various imprints on the hood of super stock car #52.

Playboy thinks they're fooling us


The March issue of Playboy magazine is graced by images of a heavily spray-tanned Barbie who (with the help of photoshop and a little technique called airbrushing) carries the super imposed face of Aubrey O'Day.

What, you don't believe me? Take a look at the pics below of Aubrey O'Day imitating Malibu Beach Barbie, and Aubrey O'Day imitating Beach Barbie (I know what you're thinking, don't be silly of course there is a difference between Malibu Beach Barbie and just regular Beach Barbie). Perhaps the question we should all be asking ourselves is: Or is this really Barbie imitating Aubrey O'Day?



Pictured below: I asked readers to send me their interpretations of Barbie and Beach Barbie. I think they got it right!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Salma Hayek uses her breasts for good, not evil


While on a UNICEF mission in Sierra Leone as part of her involvement for the fight against tetanus, Salma Hayek met an African woman who was unable to breast-feed her own baby. Salma who was nursing her own daugher Valentina at the time decided to take action. Much like a mother cat who stumbles across an abandoned litter of kittens, Salma offered up her own breastmilk for the little baby.

“The baby was perfectly healthy, but the mother didn’t have milk. He was very hungry. I was weaning Valentina, but I still had a lot of milk that I was pumping, so I breast-fed the baby.

“You should have seen his eyes. When he felt the nourishment, he immediately stopped crying,” said Hayek.


Personally, I think it's great that Salma is using her breasts for humanity, but let's see what the experts have to say.

Pictured below: Opinions expressed by our top expert

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Sara Jessica Parker gives new meaning to the term camel toe


Cloven hooves have no place in urban society, they should be restricted to rural grazing cattle, deer, and goats... and World of Warcraft fantasy creatures.

Chris Brown has rabies


To update on the Chris Brown and Rihanna situation, TMZ has obtained photo's of Rihanna's injuries and reported the following:

"the photos show major contusions on both sides of the singer's face -- there is serious swelling and bruising. Her lip is split and her nose bloody. We have now confirmed there are bite marks on one of her arms and on several fingers.
And we now know this... Rihanna claims Brown struck her with his fists and that's what did the damage. There was no object used in the alleged attack."


Wow, he beat his girlfriend up UFC style. Not only did he use his fists, but his teeth too.

Pictured below: How I imagine Chris to look in the future *sigh* a girl can dream, can't she?

Doctoral Student Loses His Shit


Leeds University in northern England has apologized to doctoral student, Daniel Bennett, for throwing away a 77lb bag of lizard excrement that took him seven years to collect.

Daniel Bennett told Times Higher Education magazine that the steamy pile of sweetcorn was part of a field study for his doctoral research collected in the Philippines.

Bennett was offered a compensation of $750 by the university which he rejected and said he would "see them in court".

"Whether it was the largest collection of lizard shit in the world is uncertain, but it certainly contained the only dietary sample from that little-known species Varanus olivaceus, and probably the most complete dietary record of any single population of animals in South East Asia. Its loss left me reeling and altered the course of my life forever."

I understand that this guy lost everything he worked so hard towards, but to say that it altered the course of his life forever?? I don't know, I once lost my rock collection - - and by lost I mean the entire pile of pebbles was stolen and thrown away by the cool kids in skool -- but I learned my lesson and now I have just one really big rock, and he is gray and smooth and his name is George... He is a very good rock. My George. My George.

Dude creates prosthetic, wants us all to look like sexy robots


Prosthetics are an awesome way to allow individuals the freedom to regain functionality of lost limbs, and some guy named Hans Alexander Huseklepp has kicked them up a notch. Designer of the 'Immaculate' prosthetic limb, a conceptual design model, the idea behind this medical gadget was to turn a handicap into a “high-performance, cybernetic fashion statement.”

The only problem is that this is going to encourage all of the stupid kids to start playing on railroad tracks again.

Pictured below: Cyborg sprinter Oscar Pistorious who unfortunately did not qualify for the South African Olympic team after failing to run the 400 under the 45.55 second minimum in order to make it to Beijing.

Simple Math: Take 2 people, dress them as 1 Q-Tip, now divide in half = Art ~ Ta Da!


The International Center of Photography (ICP, New York) is scheduled to present three showcases and a half dozen 'historical, contemporary, haute couture and antifashion' exhibits in May 2009.

I'm not sure if the above is supposed to be haute couture or anti fashion, I always seem to confuse the two. It doesn't really matter anyways, what's important is that I now know what I'm going to be for Halloween this year. Now, who's joining me as the other half of my costume?

Worth Seeing ~ Inappropriate & Otherwise